Dear Ann Landers-

Dear Ms. Landers,

I’ve been lost on a ship for several years in some rough seas. We are running out of food and water. About half of the passengers on this ship claim they see land when looking to the east. The other half say they have spotted it when looking west. (And there are a few passengers who claim to see a unicorn, but we’re mostly interested in land at this point). We all keep pointing in different directions and are not getting anywhere. The seas are getting more perilous, we are getting hit with worsening storms.

It has become clear to me that we need to pick a path. If we do not we will simply become weaker and weaker and then perish. Regardless of direction we will all become a tiny footnote in human history (which is unavailable in Texas and Florida anyway).

Two very different groups want to lead us to safety.

One group is very loud and boisterous. They have assaulted women on board. Their doctor has treated illness by telling people to drink bleach and shove a UV light up their, well, you know. They led us for awhile and claimed things were much better due to their unique leadership style. They’ve stolen food and water from our dwindling reserves.

They have also claimed they are entitled to more because they are wealthy and have enjoyed great success in life. After another vessel was destroyed some people who hadn’t yet drowned from the sunken ship wanted to swim to our ship -however this team would not let them board. I can still hear the victims last pleas for help before they went under for the last time.

They have said they are the only ones who have the intelligence and experience to get us safely to shore (I question the experience they claim -as most of them had acquired significant wealth and had hired people to operate their ships). I know their leader. He is loud and tells great stories about battles at sea. He was previously captain of several other ships, however, all of them were lost at sea, yet he claims great success. Many on board like the aggressive style of his leadership and are willing to commit what is likely to be our last chance to get to the safety of land. They have said that in order to arrive we need to throw everyone off the ship who believe differently than they do. And someone else from their leadership team said we also must burn witches for good luck. That is worrisome to me.

The other candidate team took over and they’ve been able to get us closer to a land destination (since we all believe we see land in the distance). The captain is no longer the brash, bold captain he was in his youth. He moves a bit slower. He’s thoughtful and careful. In spite of his senior status he’s assembled a team of people who have all dedicated themselves to safely navigating dangerous waters and operating large ships. He has picked up victims of other tragedies at sea, and they are now with us.

So my question is this. When preparing a pot roast for 330 people, do I tell them I’m using a plant-based vegan substitute for the roast?

(Because any other question about who should lead us, between a convicted felon and his criminal organization and a decent man and a team of experienced and dedicated public servants is a question too ridiculous to pose in a public forum).

Thanks, Lost at Sea

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